Playing Dumb

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I am not sure what the wisest decision of 2011 was.  It would be easy to say that it was quitting my job and moving, but the wisdom of that remains yet to be seen, in a long term sense, so I don’t think it could be considered as something wise.  Wisdom to me is a type of knowledge that comes after years of experience and reflection.  You can’t get wisdom easily.  It helps answer questions with answers that are not obvious.

The thing I have learned and used this year is the art of “playing dumb.”  Many women confess to the benefits of playing dumb.  Some women use it to get ahead.  Others use it to get others to relax and open up. It can be used to avoid embarrassing or intimidating others. It can get you out of responsibility.   It sometimes even helps get out of traffic violations.

The main way that I have used this art this past year is to get people to relax and open up, while I gather information.  In my new job, I have had to build trust with colleagues and get their buy in. I have had to learn a lot of new people and personalities and absorb a lot of new information quickly.   I had to make changes while still making others feel involved and valued.

In some of my personal relationships, I use it to gather information so that I can use better judgement, or understand a situation better.  I am an observer.

Although I have been using this art, I am fully aware of how annoying it can be.  When someone looks at you and say “I have no idea what you are talking about,” when you damn well know that they do, it is infuriating.  Or of a person gains your trust, and then uses information against you, it’s not OK.  And if a person uses it to shirk responsibility, it is impossible to respect.

That is why I refer to playing dumb as an art.  It needs to be done thoughtfully and with good intentions.  

Playing dumb isn’t always easy, and it certainly isn’t always the wisest thing to do. - it gives the appearance of weakness or stupidity.  The wisdom I feel I have gained in 2011 is how and when to use it somewhat successfully.  

Fear

When were you most scared? Why? How did you respond? How do you wish you would have responded?

I spent much of 2011 terrified.  I was afraid to quit my job and leave the city I knew and loved.  I was afraid not to accept the new job and to remain in that situation, too.  I was afraid of the impact that all of it would have on my relationship with my partner.  I was sick with fear.  

I felt like no matter what I chose, either could have disastrous consequences.  

If I chose to stay, I would regret the decision my entire life; I had been miserable in my former position.  I would be angry at whatever held me back.  I would feel defeated and sink further into a hopeless depression.  I hated my job. I hated my apartment.  I didn’t make enough money.  I saw no way to improve things.  Staying didn’t feel like an option.

If I chose to leave, I was taking a  risk.  I was changing everything for a job.  Would I like the job?  Was it a good move?  What was this new city like?  What if I hated it?  What if my partner chose not to come?  I was racked with doubt.

I decided that despite my fear, I needed to take the risk.  I didn’t want to live with regret and chose to stay in a situation that was making me feel so desperately unhappy.  Even if the new situation wasn't perfect, it would at least be different.

I am glad that I felt the fear, but didn’t let it stop me from doing something that I needed to do.  I wish that I could have made the decision with more confidence and less fear. Maybe next time?

Party

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2011? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, and shenanigans.

For some reason, I struggle with writing about parties.  All of my big 2011 parties were, well, bittersweet.  The three big parties that stand out in 2011 were:

• My goodbye party at my former job
• My father’s 70th birthday party
• The tailgate party at  The Game - the Yale-Harvard football game

All were big, (mostly) fun parties.

However, it was the smaller more private and personal parties that I remember more joyfully:

• The “Welcome" cupcake party hosted by my new co-workers my first week of work
• The night out with a best friend I hadn’t seen in six months
• A picnic in the back yard with my parents
• Many cozy dinners with K

These small parties were all simple moments in time, no expectations, no stress.  Given the upheaval of 2011, I wasn’t interested in having my socks rocked off, or in any wild shenanigans.  Some good food and some quality time with people I cared about was all I was looking for.

Community

Where have you discovered community in 2011? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2012? What role does the place where you live play in your life? What role do you play where you live?

As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I moved in 2011.  I haven’t really plugged into the community in my new city yet, but in leaving Boston, I realized the value of the community that I left behind.

At my former job, I had a bully boss.  The situation was somewhat traumatic, and there were several people that I worked with who were impacted by this person.  The bright spot in all of this for me was discovering the community of support I had in dealing with this situation.

My coworkers rallied around me when I felt down.  They supported me emotionally when I had a bad encounter with the Bully.  They spoke up  when they witnessed injustice.  They leaned on me when they needed some support and advice.  We had lunches and coffees and teas and laughed and cried together.  They also supported me when I chose to leave the organization.  

Now that I no longer see this group every day, it is one of the things I miss the most about my former life.

In 2012, I would like to plug into my new community more, and take advantage of whatever this city has to offer.  

SERENITY

Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

The word I chose for 2011 a year ago was ADHERANCE  I think the only think I adhered to was a commitment to change.  The word that really encapsulates 2011 is UPHEAVAL  In 2011, I quit the job I had been at for 12 years, and moved out of the city I lived in for 15 years.   I tossed everything and made a big change.

It was an agonizing decision to make this change.  I cried for a week, and drove everyone close to me nuts with my deliberation.   I had never felt so close to actually going over the edge, off the deep end, bat shit crazy as I felt during that time.  But I made the decision to make a change, rather than staying in my comfort zone, plodding along in a life that wasn’t really making me very happy.

I spent 6 homeless weeks living between friends and my parents.  My partner disappeared to North Africa for 5 months.   My dog and cat moved in with my parents.  My entire wardrobe lived in the trunk of my car.  I had to figure out a new city, a new job, a new culture.  I had to make new friends.  Nothing about it was easy.

Now that I have settled into a cozy new apartment, and feel at home in my new office, I am looking for some calm.  I want to think about riding my bike, being healthy, peace, love and happiness.  I need a break from the stress of 2011. I hope that 2012 is a year of SERENITY.