Not Amazing. Good Enough?

Where did you leave a mark?

I hope I left several marks this past year, although no one thing in particular is standing out.

I hope that I helped my father when he needed me;  I hope my mother noticed.  

I hope that they missed me when I left my old job, and that they rejoiced at my new job.

I hope my dog enjoyed his long walks, and that my cat relished sleeping with me every night.

I hope I entertained and consoled my friends, and that the neighbors appreciated it when I took out the trash.

I try to do the right things.  Is that enough to leave a mark, or do I need to do something more amazing?

Buckle Up!

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. What role does style play in your life? What ways do you express yourself through your appearance? Do you find personal style evolving or static? happenstance or controlled?

I am not sure if there have been any photos of me taken in the past year, so I am writing about a  photo that I took last summer, while riding my bike to work one morning.  I have been using the photo as my profile picture on this blog and in facebook for months.  

The yellow street sign shows an alien wearing a seat belt, with its finger in the air. A little bit of magic tingles around his finger. The sign says “buckle up.”

Finding this sign was one of the things that made me happiest about my new city.  I am a little alien-obsessed these days.  I like having an alien as my avatar.  I like that the alien looks like E.T. (which, by the way, was the first movie I remember seeing in the movie theater.)  I even like seat belts (they save lives!).

I also like the impression this alien image gives that whoever encounters me may meet something unexpected and, hopefully, delightful.  It is a promise of adventure, of something new and out of this world.

I am not sure if I am delivering on this, but I’ll try!

Dear Me,

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self? How do you think an older self will look back? What advice would your younger/older self give you now?

Dear Younger Me,

Have fun in life.  Don’t be afraid to go after the things you really want.  Save some money.  Don’t let anyone mistreat you.  Exercise.  Think about getting a PhD.

Most importantly, spend as much quality time as you can with your mother.  Talk about everything.  Ask as many questions as you can.  Create good memories.  Laugh and cry together.

Love,

Older Me

Still Avoiding It

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I’ll have to think long and hard about this one.  I will avoid answering for now.

Triangles

How did you travel in 2011? Where did you visit? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

My travel in 2011 mainly consisted of an endless triangle between Boston, New Haven, and upstate New York.  I am sure that I have put more miles on my car this year than in the last 3 years combined.  I didn’t travel very far, but I made the drive between one of the three points on my triangle more times that I can count.  I also drove enough that I had little time and less inclination to go anywhere else.

A good goal for 2012 would be to go somewhere (anywhere) that is not one of these three destinations.

In Which m....

If you divided your life into chapters what would you call them? What chapter are you in now? What chapter is next?

Very broadly speaking, my chapters until now would be titled:

1. In Which m was Born.
2. In Which m Enjoyed a Happy Childhood
3. In Which m Went to College.
4. In Which m Worked at Starbucks and Lived with Great Friends
5. In Which m Went to Grad School and Reconnected with her Brother
6. In Which m Became a Teacher and Had Some Adventures with Pals
7. In Which m Got a Dog
8. In Which m Worked and Worked
9. In Which m Made a Big Move, and Relaxed

I am not sure what the next chapter will be.  Time will tell.

Do

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2011? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

This concept of trying seems futile.  I want to just do or not do.(Did Yoda say that?)

One of my big goals for 2011, was to become a bicycle rider, and I did accomplish that goal.  I commute to work on my bike at least 4 days a week.  Despite getting robbed, crashing my bike, and a few close calls with cars, I am sticking to it, even on these chilly December mornings.  I plan to ride until  it snows.  

I feel like if I do anything new and interesting in 2012, I will feel satisfied with my year.  I know that is ambiguous, but I am ok with that.  I am not a huge planner.

There are three things I would love to try in 2012:  flying in a hot air balloon, glass blowing, and painting watercolors.   If I get around to one of them, I will consider it a successful year.

When it comes to goal setting, I don’t like to set myself up for failure, so I also have a few more modest goals:

• Every year, I try to read a classic novel.  In 2010, I read Moby Dick.  In 2011, I read Gone with the Wind.    I still need to chose the classic novel for 2012.  (Suggestions, anyone?)

• I would like to bring my lunch to work more often.  I have improved in the past few months, but I am still not a consistent lunch-bringer. I am aiming for bringing my lunch from home four days a week.

• I want to continue riding my bike, exercising and getting in better shape.

• I would like to continue writing, even if it is just for myself.

I want to everything that I can to make 2012 a happy and productive year.

Carpe Diem

Wells Cathedral clock  

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/cornelluniversitylibrary/3611574378/)

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?


Many know the short phrase "carpe diem"  from  Horace.  The full phrase is Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future." The poem says that the future is unknown, and that instead you should be wise, drink wine, and restrain your hopes to the brief future.  I have no intention of being gloomy, but I think he makes a good point.


This year, I learned to go after things that I want.  I used to think that I had to wait for the perfect time, the right mix of circumstances, the right person, to move forward.  I learned that life is too short to wait, and that things will never be perfect.  I learned that i do have the power to make changes, and that I can weather the storms that changes may bring, and that doing something is better than doing nothing.


I am hoping to go forward with more confidence and less fear.  I hope to remember that I am human, and that life does not last forever.  I want to eat, drink and be merry.  

Old Friends

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

Spending time with good, old friends this past year has given me a lot of strength and support.  I spent a little time with two friends I have known since I was 3, and a lot of time with a pal I have known since I was five.  

Hanging out with these friends has not changed my perspective, so much as reminded me who I am, what I want, and where I should be going.  They understand me in a context that few people do.  

They understand the impact my mother’s illness has had on my life.  They understand, because she mothered them too.

They know my values and my strengths and my weaknesses.   I can cry to them, and tell them ugly thoughts, and I know they will still love me and support me.

Ina  year of a lot of change, the stability and loyalty of these old friends has been a comfort.

Money

If your life circumstances suddenly changed and money was no longer a concern, how would you spend your time? What new challenges and projects would you take on? Can any of these become part of your current life or future goals?

If money were no longer a concern, I would quit my job (with 30 days notice, of course!)  I would travel around the world, with no agenda and spend as long as I like in each place.  I would buy a hot air balloon and learn how to fly it.   I would hire a personal trainer and a personal shopper and get expensive haircuts. I would hire someone to pay the bills, fix the car and clean the house. I would take a painting class and a jewelry making class. I would volunteer to work for causes that I believe in, and give money when I can make a  difference. I would read incessantly.  Maybe I would get a  PhD for fun. I would surround myself with friends and family, and bring them along for the ride.

Can any of these be incorporated into my current life?  Maybe in small snippets, here and there.  A vacation. A class. A book.  A haircut.  My friends and family are welcome to join me.

Portrait of Felix Nadar

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smithsonian/2583275097/

5 Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2011 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2011.

• Every moment spent with my mother.
• First days on my new campus.
• Long walks and long talks with my dad and my brother.
• Nights out with DP, MD, BD and LN.
• The day at the beach and the day at the river.
• A sense of well being.

Appreciate

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I have come to appreciate good friends this past year.   It has not been an easy year.

There are several people whose shoulders I have cried on in the past several months.   Other friends let me live in their house for six weeks, rent free, and gave me coffee every morning.  One friend checks up on me via text message almost every day.  

New friends have helped me find a new apartment, taken me out for lunches and coffees, long walks, and answered countless questions about haircuts, garbage, and grocery shopping.

Without the support of my friends, I would be lost.

How do I express gratitude?  I try to thank people for their attentions, and I try to repay by being a good friend back. I try to let them know that I appreciate them.  Maybe I don’t do enough.

Any ideas on what I should do?

Inaction

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

Action.  I feel like I am recovering from a year of action.  I am not sure what my next step is, other than to just enjoy the steps I took last year, and find some serenity.  Is it important to always have a plan?

Playing Dumb

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I am not sure what the wisest decision of 2011 was.  It would be easy to say that it was quitting my job and moving, but the wisdom of that remains yet to be seen, in a long term sense, so I don’t think it could be considered as something wise.  Wisdom to me is a type of knowledge that comes after years of experience and reflection.  You can’t get wisdom easily.  It helps answer questions with answers that are not obvious.

The thing I have learned and used this year is the art of “playing dumb.”  Many women confess to the benefits of playing dumb.  Some women use it to get ahead.  Others use it to get others to relax and open up. It can be used to avoid embarrassing or intimidating others. It can get you out of responsibility.   It sometimes even helps get out of traffic violations.

The main way that I have used this art this past year is to get people to relax and open up, while I gather information.  In my new job, I have had to build trust with colleagues and get their buy in. I have had to learn a lot of new people and personalities and absorb a lot of new information quickly.   I had to make changes while still making others feel involved and valued.

In some of my personal relationships, I use it to gather information so that I can use better judgement, or understand a situation better.  I am an observer.

Although I have been using this art, I am fully aware of how annoying it can be.  When someone looks at you and say “I have no idea what you are talking about,” when you damn well know that they do, it is infuriating.  Or of a person gains your trust, and then uses information against you, it’s not OK.  And if a person uses it to shirk responsibility, it is impossible to respect.

That is why I refer to playing dumb as an art.  It needs to be done thoughtfully and with good intentions.  

Playing dumb isn’t always easy, and it certainly isn’t always the wisest thing to do. - it gives the appearance of weakness or stupidity.  The wisdom I feel I have gained in 2011 is how and when to use it somewhat successfully.  

Fear

When were you most scared? Why? How did you respond? How do you wish you would have responded?

I spent much of 2011 terrified.  I was afraid to quit my job and leave the city I knew and loved.  I was afraid not to accept the new job and to remain in that situation, too.  I was afraid of the impact that all of it would have on my relationship with my partner.  I was sick with fear.  

I felt like no matter what I chose, either could have disastrous consequences.  

If I chose to stay, I would regret the decision my entire life; I had been miserable in my former position.  I would be angry at whatever held me back.  I would feel defeated and sink further into a hopeless depression.  I hated my job. I hated my apartment.  I didn’t make enough money.  I saw no way to improve things.  Staying didn’t feel like an option.

If I chose to leave, I was taking a  risk.  I was changing everything for a job.  Would I like the job?  Was it a good move?  What was this new city like?  What if I hated it?  What if my partner chose not to come?  I was racked with doubt.

I decided that despite my fear, I needed to take the risk.  I didn’t want to live with regret and chose to stay in a situation that was making me feel so desperately unhappy.  Even if the new situation wasn't perfect, it would at least be different.

I am glad that I felt the fear, but didn’t let it stop me from doing something that I needed to do.  I wish that I could have made the decision with more confidence and less fear. Maybe next time?

Party

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2011? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, and shenanigans.

For some reason, I struggle with writing about parties.  All of my big 2011 parties were, well, bittersweet.  The three big parties that stand out in 2011 were:

• My goodbye party at my former job
• My father’s 70th birthday party
• The tailgate party at  The Game - the Yale-Harvard football game

All were big, (mostly) fun parties.

However, it was the smaller more private and personal parties that I remember more joyfully:

• The “Welcome" cupcake party hosted by my new co-workers my first week of work
• The night out with a best friend I hadn’t seen in six months
• A picnic in the back yard with my parents
• Many cozy dinners with K

These small parties were all simple moments in time, no expectations, no stress.  Given the upheaval of 2011, I wasn’t interested in having my socks rocked off, or in any wild shenanigans.  Some good food and some quality time with people I cared about was all I was looking for.

Community

Where have you discovered community in 2011? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2012? What role does the place where you live play in your life? What role do you play where you live?

As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I moved in 2011.  I haven’t really plugged into the community in my new city yet, but in leaving Boston, I realized the value of the community that I left behind.

At my former job, I had a bully boss.  The situation was somewhat traumatic, and there were several people that I worked with who were impacted by this person.  The bright spot in all of this for me was discovering the community of support I had in dealing with this situation.

My coworkers rallied around me when I felt down.  They supported me emotionally when I had a bad encounter with the Bully.  They spoke up  when they witnessed injustice.  They leaned on me when they needed some support and advice.  We had lunches and coffees and teas and laughed and cried together.  They also supported me when I chose to leave the organization.  

Now that I no longer see this group every day, it is one of the things I miss the most about my former life.

In 2012, I would like to plug into my new community more, and take advantage of whatever this city has to offer.  

One Moment

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

There have been several poignant moments over the past year.  It has been a big year. Some were sad, and some were stressful, but I would like to recall a moment of bliss.

Since I started my new job, I started riding my bike to work.  Becoming a bike commuter had been one of my goals for a long time.  My commute takes me through the heart of Yale’s breathtakingly beautiful campus.

One early summer morning, I rode to work, my heart full of joy.  The sun was shining, the birds were singing, I was sweating.  The air smelled of roses, and the trees were in full bloom.  The Gothic architecture of campus gleamed in the sun.  Next to the library, a  student group was playing music, while other students lingered, laughing with their friends and sipping on coffee.

I thought to myself how proud and thrilled I was to be there.  I thought about how blessed I felt.

I rarely think about feeling proud of myself, but in that moment, I celebrated myself and the fact that I was ale to make that change in my life.  It was not easy.

With a joyful smile on my face, I locked up my bike and went into the office for the day.

Alignment

Where did 2011 begin? How did this year’s accomplishment line up with last year’s goals? What did you accomplish?

2011 began with me feeling somewhat miserable and stressed out:  I hated my job, I worked 2 second jobs, I hated my apartment, I was out of shape, and I never had enough money.  I felt like I had lost my soul, and my health was quickly going out the window.  I knew that I had to make some big changes.   

I chose the word ADHERANCE as my guiding word, because I didn’t want to just give up.  I persevered, and changed everything.

The end of 2011 finds me in a new city, working at a job that I love.  I have no work stress, and no second jobs.  I ride my bike to work every day, and work out when I get home.  Although I am not rolling in money, I am much more comfortable than I had been.  And my big, bright apartment is a pleasure to come home to.

I think I did a good job this year of aligning my accomplishments up with my goals.  It is kind of surprising that you really can make big changes, even if it is scary.  Change is hard.   I learned that it is worth the effort.  I had been stagnant for many years, and even if my current life isn’t perfect, it is much better than it was a year ago.

SERENITY

Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

The word I chose for 2011 a year ago was ADHERANCE  I think the only think I adhered to was a commitment to change.  The word that really encapsulates 2011 is UPHEAVAL  In 2011, I quit the job I had been at for 12 years, and moved out of the city I lived in for 15 years.   I tossed everything and made a big change.

It was an agonizing decision to make this change.  I cried for a week, and drove everyone close to me nuts with my deliberation.   I had never felt so close to actually going over the edge, off the deep end, bat shit crazy as I felt during that time.  But I made the decision to make a change, rather than staying in my comfort zone, plodding along in a life that wasn’t really making me very happy.

I spent 6 homeless weeks living between friends and my parents.  My partner disappeared to North Africa for 5 months.   My dog and cat moved in with my parents.  My entire wardrobe lived in the trunk of my car.  I had to figure out a new city, a new job, a new culture.  I had to make new friends.  Nothing about it was easy.

Now that I have settled into a cozy new apartment, and feel at home in my new office, I am looking for some calm.  I want to think about riding my bike, being healthy, peace, love and happiness.  I need a break from the stress of 2011. I hope that 2012 is a year of SERENITY.