Fear

When were you most scared? Why? How did you respond? How do you wish you would have responded?

I spent much of 2011 terrified.  I was afraid to quit my job and leave the city I knew and loved.  I was afraid not to accept the new job and to remain in that situation, too.  I was afraid of the impact that all of it would have on my relationship with my partner.  I was sick with fear.  

I felt like no matter what I chose, either could have disastrous consequences.  

If I chose to stay, I would regret the decision my entire life; I had been miserable in my former position.  I would be angry at whatever held me back.  I would feel defeated and sink further into a hopeless depression.  I hated my job. I hated my apartment.  I didn’t make enough money.  I saw no way to improve things.  Staying didn’t feel like an option.

If I chose to leave, I was taking a  risk.  I was changing everything for a job.  Would I like the job?  Was it a good move?  What was this new city like?  What if I hated it?  What if my partner chose not to come?  I was racked with doubt.

I decided that despite my fear, I needed to take the risk.  I didn’t want to live with regret and chose to stay in a situation that was making me feel so desperately unhappy.  Even if the new situation wasn't perfect, it would at least be different.

I am glad that I felt the fear, but didn’t let it stop me from doing something that I needed to do.  I wish that I could have made the decision with more confidence and less fear. Maybe next time?