Honor

#reverb12: Your most important relationship?

Considering the idea that nothing lasts forever: what was the most important relationship that you fostered in 2012? 

How will you continue to nurture it in 2013?

Certainly nothing lasts forever.  I made a point of spending time with my mother in 2012, and I am glad that I did.  Although she was not well, and it wasn’t always fun or pleasant or cheerful or even interesting, I have to think that time spent sitting quietly at her side was meaningful.   There were a million questions I wanted to ask her: Did you have morning sickness?  How do I give a baby a bath? Are you scared?  I never asked any of them.  I smiled and talked about the weather, or nothing at all.

Although I can no longer nurture that relationship in 2013, I can honor it.  I can be joyful. I can be a good mom.  I can emotionally support the rest of my family. I can clean the house, listen to music, take walks and read good books.  I am sure that she will cheer me on.

Dinner is a Good Place to Start

#reverb12 Day 3: What do you really wish for?

What do I really wish for?  Of course I want to be happy and secure and peaceful. I want to be joyful.  I want to be healthy. I want to share these feelings with the people I love. 

I want to take a hot air balloon ride.  I want to take a trip to Thailand, and one to Brazil.  I would like to buy a new car.  I want to learn how to paint and how to speak Arabic. I want to go to the beach and get in shape.

I want to spend as much time as possible with my son and quality time with my father, and also time with close friends and even sneak in some time for myself.

I want to eat well, and sleep well.

I feel like this question is asking me something deeper than all of these things; there are some things that I wish for that I know will never happen.  I wish I could have another day with my mother when she was healthy.  I wish I could go back in time, and make some different decisions in my life. I wish I had a few million dollars in the bank.  I wish I could take away other people’s pain.

I tend to spend time wishing for things that I could actually make happen.  I am not one for longing for the impossible for too long.  I suppose I should begin checking things off of this list.  I think I will start with dinner.

Monkey Hat

#reverb12 Day 2: Your most significant spend?

I looked and looked and looked at a lot of baby things before I bought anything.  I felt like if I bought something, I might jinx myself.  I worried about the heartache I would have if something went wrong with my pregnancy, and how I would have all of these things I could no longer use.  The baby was someone that I wanted so badly that it terrified me.

The first thing I bought for the baby was a little monkey hat.  I felt a little guilty, like maybe I wasn’t supposed to be shopping for him already.  But the hat was so cute, and I bought it.  I kept the hat hanging next to my bed; it was the first thing I looked at in the morning, and the last thing I looked at before turning out the light.  I would look at that hat, and stroke my pregnancy bump, and whisper quietly to the baby about how much I loved him already.  It was the first thing I did for the baby, other than the things I was doing for my own physical health, and it was the only thing I did for months.

It is so satisfying to see him wear that hat now, and think about the days when it hung empty, waiting for him.

Tired, but OK

#reverb12 Day 1: How are you starting?

How do I feel? Exhausted.  I am tired in body, mind and spirit. 

2012 has been a year that has tested me in ways that I couldn’t imagine.  I lived through two major life events this year: pregnancy and the birth of my first child, and the death of my mother.  It has been a year of extreme joy and extreme sorrow, thoughts on life and death, and ruminations on the meaning and experience of motherhood and childhood.  I watched my body transform throughout pregnancy, and I am in new awe of what it can do, even as I despair each morning trying to find clothes that fit.  I don’t know who I am without my mother, and I don’t know who I am as a mother.  I am sleep deprived and can’t even think about it clearly.  I haven’t read a book or worked out properly in months.  I am more of a mess than I have ever been.

Despite all of this, I have also learned how strong I am.  I am ok.  I am even happy.  I am moving forward in life, and dreaming about things that I have been afraid to dream about for a long time.  I feel free.  I feel empowered.  I feel transformed. 

Not Amazing. Good Enough?

Where did you leave a mark?

I hope I left several marks this past year, although no one thing in particular is standing out.

I hope that I helped my father when he needed me;  I hope my mother noticed.  

I hope that they missed me when I left my old job, and that they rejoiced at my new job.

I hope my dog enjoyed his long walks, and that my cat relished sleeping with me every night.

I hope I entertained and consoled my friends, and that the neighbors appreciated it when I took out the trash.

I try to do the right things.  Is that enough to leave a mark, or do I need to do something more amazing?